The gradual independence of a young person going through puberty shapes the family’s interactions. It is common for young people to express much less closeness to their parents than before. A teenager may become more withdrawn and reluctant to share what is going on in their life.
This does not mean that the connection between you two is breaking. A teenager usually needs a lot of space and time for themselves. Mobile devices also make it easier nowadays to withdraw and seek the company of peers from home.
The emotional connection between you and your child has formed over many years. That connection carries through, as long as there is trust and acceptance. This is confirmed by research: the majority of young Finns feel that they can discuss their affairs with their parents.
Tips for maintaining the connection
- Make room for casual family time in your everyday life.
- Make tentative conversation starters when the time is right.
- Ask questions, listen to the young person’s views and show willingness to understand their experience.
- Have the young person accompany you when you do chores, have a movie night or exercise, for example.
- Offer them responsibilities that demonstrate trust and strengthen your relationship through equal cooperation.
- Think out loud about your own youth. Is there a common ground in your experiences?
Learn new ways to interact
Keep in mind that during puberty, your child may be more inclined to take things personally. Avoid humour or other comments directed at them. Remarks about the teenager's activities and relations are also better left unsaid when they are within hearing distance.
Learn to give less advice than before. Let the young person do things their own way, as long as it does not pose a risk to their health or safety, for example.
Also accept that failures are bound to happen. Misunderstandings, different interpretations of situations and even outright arguments can occur from time to time. The experience of connection will vary, but each interaction is a new opportunity for a successful one.
You can make yourself the one in need of advice. Try to do something that your child is better at than you are when they are present. You can ask for help or even wait for the young person to offer help themselves.
Let the balance shift
Allowing the young person to guide you is more than a trick or influencing attempt: your connection should be based on alternation and seeking a balance. Understanding the young person’s experience will help you support and guide them, and to respond to what they have to offer. This supports both their wellbeing and their transition into independence and adulthood.
Let the young person also influence your interests. If they offer opportunities, check out the music that they listen to, the entertainment that they enjoy, and the social media channels that they follow. Be open and curious and let the young person’s preferences influence you. You may need to break down your prejudices and challenge your tastes.
Challenges in interaction
The young person will bring stress from the outside world home. Changes in the brain and hormones also affect their mind and may even cause a regression in social skills and empathy. This means that a blunt, moody or volatile teenager may not be deliberately directing their emotional outbursts at you or other family members.
The burden and sensitivity associated with the young person’s age will also colour their interpretations. Unfortunate differences of interpretation with a teenager are common:
- You are merely being firm, but the young person sees you as overbearing or patronising.
- You care and show affection, but in their view, you are making a fuss and being a nuisance.
- You are in a good mood, but to them your cheerfulness comes across as annoyingly fake.
- You provide attention and time, but the young person thinks that you should get a life of your own.
Pay in mind, separating from the parents can feel painful, and many young people unknowingly make it easier by undermining the positive relationship through arguments and emotional outbursts. Thus, temper tantrums, blaming the parents and unpleasant and abusive language are typical for this age.
A safe environment for turmoil
If you are able to take on the young person’s anger while maintaining your adult role, you will provide a safe environment for them to test boundaries and deal with their own difficult feelings.
Try to keep in mind the underlying causes of the symptoms, so that it is easier for you to deal with the mood swings in a constructive way.
Offer understanding and acceptance but also set limits for inappropriate behaviour.
Seek help if problems persist
Sometimes, misunderstandings and the family members’ own emotional ups and downs can lead to a negative spiral. Arguments recur, bitterness grows or trust begins to break down. Outside help may be needed.
You can contact services such as social counselling for families with children, or the child’s school social worker. If you can do this together with your child, or at least with their approval, it will be easier for you to make progress.