A school-aged child becomes more independent at their own pace. Your child might also distance themselves slightly from the adults in the family. This is an important stage in your child’s development.
When you support your child’s independence, you also support their healthy self-esteem and courage to gradually take more responsibility for themself.
However, there is no rush to become independent. Avoid giving your child too much responsibility for their skills and development level. Too much independence too soon can hinder the child’s development and challenge their sense of security.
Therefore, continue to make sure that the child has clear boundaries. For example, it is important that the child gets enough rest and a variety of stimuli, and that they adhere to a lifestyle that supports their own wellbeing. Agree with the other adults in the family on what the family can be flexible on if necessary and what is non-negotiable.
It is also common for a child’s need for independence to vary, which is confusing and contradictory to the child themself as well. Try to understand your child’s developing mind and support them through this turmoil.
Children can sometimes be too eager to get involved in the activities and interests of older children. When the time comes, think carefully: even if your child thinks that they are ready, they may not actually be.
Encourage independent activities
You can encourage your child to become more independent by giving them small chores and encouraging them to travel short distances on their own in their leisure time.
Children usually enjoy being involved in activities such as cooking, setting the table, returning bottles and going to the grocery store, their hobby activity or the library.
When the child has the courage to try new things, give them praise and continue to involve them in your family’s everyday activities. However, avoid comparing the child to other children, as all children develop and become independent at their own pace.
If you feel that your child does not want to take on more responsibility, try looking at your own ways of doing things. Could you develop ways to support your child’s initiative?
- Are you offering too much help in everyday life? Would it bother you if something was left undone if you did not help?
- Can you help your child face the discomfort of uncertainty and get used to it a little better? How could you practise the feeling on a small scale?
- Are the tasks to encourage independence inappropriately sized? For example, could you break them down into smaller parts? At first, you could replace ‘put your things where they belong’ with ‘put your shoes on the shoe rack and your coat on the coat rack when you come in’, and when the child does this without issues, you can add taking care of their backpack to the list.
You should not be your child’s friend or smooth the way in your child’s life. Children do better when they learn to make an effort for things and experience disappointments as well as successes. You can build a close relationship with your child by being interested and doing pleasant things together.
Guide your child in their independence
- Try to know where your child spends their time and with whom, and what they do on the screen and on social media. Talk together, remember to ask lots of questions and be interested in what the child has to say.
- Together with the other adults in your family, take age limits and recommendations seriously.
- Explain to your child the rules and boundaries that you have chosen – the child will often understand and accept the decision.
- If the child tries to appeal to you by saying that their friends are allowed to do the activity in question, talk to the friends’ parents – you might be able to agree on common guidelines. This is not always possible, but even then, remember to make choices that will support your child’s wellbeing.
- Sometimes the child may avoid conversations and will not want to tell the adults in the family about their life. Ask questions anyway and provide opportunities for conversations. It is important for a child that their parent cares and is interested in them, even if they do not show it on the surface.
