In the everyday life of a family with children, you may have to compromise on both your own needs and your intimacy with your partner – putting yourself and your relationship on the back burner. However, you and your partner can make a big difference by rearranging your family’s use of time.
You will need three types of time:
- relationship time, i.e. fun, relaxed and intimate time together as a couple
- family time, when the whole family is present and doing things together
- private time, when you and your partner take turns doing things that are important to you, e.g. with friends or in hobby activities.
How can I care for my relationship?
Stop for a moment and think about how you are doing: How committed are you, how open and respectful are your conversations with your partner, how well do you communicate your needs and feelings? Do you look at and touch your partner lovingly? Does your partner respond to your initiatives? What kind of initiatives does your partner take?
If the answers to these questions do not cause any concerns, you are on the right track. A good relationship will also support you in times of sleep deprivation and stress. Still, even a good relationship needs care and time for both the other person and you.
If you identified areas in need of development, there is no reason to worry. You are still on the right track – after all, you are here reading this text.
You can increase mutual care in your relationship with small daily moments together in which you are both present. If you have lost your conversational connection, try these.
All small moments of separation or coming together over the course of the day, successful or unsuccessful, tend to be remembered for a long time and define the atmosphere of the whole family.
- When you get home, say hello to your partner and ask how their day has been. Stop to take this moment, look into your partner’s eyes and forget about your hustle and bustle for a moment.
- Let your partner tell you in their own way what is important to them. Listen and ask for more details if needed. The important thing is that you express that you are interested in your partner’s life.
- When you go to bed, say goodnight. When you leave for work, say ‘bye’ and give your partner a kiss.
You do not need any heroic deeds to maintain your relationship.
You can show your partner everyday care by making a hot beverage for them, bringing wool socks for their cold feet or massaging their aching muscles. Find out what your partner likes and make them happy based on their preferences.
Dream about things together and talk to each other like you would to a good friend. Remember also to tell your partner in everyday life how important and dear they are to you.
Parents with young children often have limited time and energy for intimacy and sex. You may not have the energy to approach your partner in the evening after the children have fallen asleep. Or perhaps your partner is exhausted and not in the mood.
A relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. It is important to be able to accept your current everyday life and tiredness. Even if you are tired, you can take a moment to rest in your partner’s arms, press yourself against their skin and say: “We made it through yet another day!”
Perhaps you are unsure whether your partner still desires you. Your everyday life and age will shape your being. You may need more approval and encouragement. Share your feelings and wishes openly, but without making accusations. Also, discuss the underlying reasons for your issues: tiredness, busyness, changed roles.
Speak in a way that maintains the emotional connection between you. That connection also makes it possible for you to suddenly feel a spark and want to get close to your partner.
You can also think together about what time of day could be a moment when you are both energised and ready for each other. And when the situation allows, you can arrange a carer for your children and spend quality time together.
Physical intimacy and sex are the glue of a relationship, which should be sufficiently nurtured in a family with children as well.
Try a six-second kiss every day! Studies have shown that you begin to secrete oxytocin, i.e. the love hormone, after six seconds. Thus, a long kiss will strengthen your attachment to your spouse.
Arguments in your relationship
In every relationship, there are times when emotions rise to the surface. It is natural to disagree on things sometimes. If you know how to argue with respect for each other, working things out can even strengthen your relationship.
If a disagreement is threatening to escalate into an argument, do your best to calm yourself down. Try to hear and understand what your partner is saying and what they mean. Try to explain your own position without making accusations so that your partner can understand.
Arguing in itself is not dangerous. However, your mind can develop harmful meanings for it. For example, you may think that your argument means breaking up. Actually, you could think of your argument as a new opportunity for your relationship: I trust my partner, I can tell them what I think and disagree with them.
Constructive arguing is also beneficial for your children, as by observing you, they will learn that disagreements are part of life and can be resolved by working together.
However, your children must not be involved in your arguments; they are not parties to the situation. If an argument breaks out while your child is present, both of you should pay particular attention to ensuring that your argument is respectful and constructive. You must not accuse or insult your partner when having an argument.
If you have an argument, consider your child’s feelings as well and discuss them with the child as soon as possible.
However, as a rule, try to avoid arguing in the presence of your children. Disruptive and recurring arguments damage a child’s sense of security. The worst thing is to involve your child in your argument and ask for their opinion on things, for example.
Destructive arguments are also disruptive to your relationship and yourselves. If arguments are starting to affect your wellbeing and online self-care programmes are not enough to support you, contact the unit for social counselling for families with children. We will help you move forward.
If you lose your connection completely
If you find yourself in a situation in which you and your partner argue repeatedly or avoid difficult topics of conversation, it could be a sign that your emotional connection is broken. A dysfunctional conversational connection and arguing are among the most common problems in a relationship.
Examples of potential reasons for conflicts include sleep deprivation and tiredness during your child’s infancy, differences of opinion on upbringing, unclear roles in the new family, or the family’s financial situation. There is usually more than one underlying reason.
The keys to connection are often found when both put an effort into how they express themselves and seek to understand their partner. You will be more successful if you learn to calm down and regulate your emotions. Good will is also important: trust that your partner wants what is good for you.
If the arguing between you continues and worsens, one of you may start thinking about separation. If you have serious interaction problems, you should seek help. Online, you will find a number of free self-help programmes designed for untangling relationship issues.
You can also get help for the two of you or for the whole family by turning to the City. You can get in touch with our support services by calling or sending a message to the unit for social counselling for families with children. We will talk with you and help you find the right service based on your situation.
