Processing a separation decision
If thoughts of separation have surfaced in your relationship, you are probably struggling with interaction problems, practical concerns and emotional turmoil at the same time. Discussing breaking up tends to strain the atmosphere of the whole family.
You can seek conversational help for resolving a crisis in your relationship and working through an ongoing separation process alike. Your children may also be in need of specialist help if your relationship is quarrelsome and the children are stressed about the situation.
It is common for couples to weigh the options of separating and staying together for a long time. Even after deciding to get separated, it can take a long time before you feel that it was the right decision. Often, your own life will even out within a few years. Many people then experience that their lives have been easier and more balanced since separation.
Help with practical arrangements
There are a lot of uncertainties involved in a separation decision, which you will have to sort out together. For example:
- How can we agree on practical matters in the midst of unpleasant emotions and disagreements?
- How will our everyday life as a family with children work after the separation?
- How will the children manage during and after the separation?
You can find support and tools for your reflections from sources such as the Apua Eroon website run by the Federation of Mother and Child Homes and Shelters. The site offers plenty of practical advice, free online courses and webinars, and personal conversational help, also in English.
Find support during separation (Apua Eroon)(Link leads to external service)
The Parenting Plan produced by the Finnish Institute for Health and Welfare (THL) can also help you in your reflections. The plan form will help you to agree on the practical arrangements and a division of labour in your new family situation.
Download the Parenting plan by THL (PDF)(Link leads to external service)
Supporting your child in the separation process
The Mannerheim League for Child Welfare’s (MLL) video provides concrete advice on how to support children whose parents are divorcing. It is essential that you stress to the child that the separation is not their fault and that you both still love the child as much as you did before.
MLL: Family separation video series
MLL Helsinki has produced a five-part explanatory video series for separating families with children. The series presents separation from the child’s perspective, covering issues related to agreements, the effects of separation on children, how to support a child during separation, and where to find help.
Watch the full Family Separation series (Youtube)(Link leads to external service)
Things to be agreed on regarding your child’s life
When getting separated, you must agree on matters such as your child’s housing, maintenance, custody and meetings. The agreements do not necessarily have to be in writing, but for arrangements such as child maintenance allowance paid by Kela, you will need official documentation of your agreements.
You can use the Parenting plan produced by the Finnish Institute for Health and Welfare (THL) to help you agree on things. For official documents, you will need an appointment with a child welfare supervisor.
Download the Parenting plan by THL (PDF)(Link leads to external service)
As parents, you are responsible for your children’s wellbeing. It is your duty to ensure the balanced development of your children even after divorcing.
You need to consider and mutually agree on matters such as:
- How will the child’s custody be arranged after the separation?
- How will the child’s housing be arranged?
- How will visits between the child and the parent living elsewhere be organised?
- How should the child’s maintenance be arranged?
Unofficial and official agreements
You can agree on your child’s matters amongst yourselves without any official agreements. However, it is worth remembering that unofficial mutual agreements are not enforceable documents – for example, Kela will need a separate official document to pay child maintenance allowance.
If you want to confirm your agreements concerning your child’s matters, you must make an appointment with a child welfare supervisor. The child welfare supervisor will draw up enforceable agreements for you regarding your children’s custody, housing, right of access (i.e. visitation rights) and maintenance.
If you live in different municipalities, we recommend that you use a child welfare supervisor of your child’s municipality of residence. You can also agree on the details amongst yourselves and draw up separate agreements in your respective municipalities.
Tips on making agreements
Draw up agreements when you move apart and the changes in your everyday life have become clear enough for you to be able to make arrangements for your child as well.
You can use the parenting plan produced by the Finnish Institute for Health and Welfare (THL) to help with your planning.
Download the Parenting plan by THL (PDF)(Link leads to external service)
Your child’s opinion matters
As your child’s parents, you know the best way to organise the child’s everyday life in your changed situation. However, you should also listen to your child’s views, taking into account their age and level of development.
Discuss your plans with your child before you make any final decisions on their custody, housing or visitation arrangements. Tell them about the upcoming changes in as concrete terms as possible and give them time to determine and share their own opinions and wishes regarding the situation. Do not blame the child if their thoughts conflict with the plans made by you and the other parent.
The child also has the right not to share their views. The most important thing is that you offer your child an opportunity to share their opinion. The child must not be pressured into forming an opinion.
The child welfare supervisor will ensure that your child has had an opportunity to express their views on agreement matters that concern them. The child’s disagreement does not necessarily mean that the agreement drawn up by the parents cannot be confirmed.
If making agreements is difficult
If reaching a mutual agreement feels challenging, you can utilise the specialist help provided by the family mediation services. A family mediator will help you resolve your conflicts and protect your child’s rights.
If making an agreement proves particularly difficult for you, you can also apply for mediation by the District Court of Helsinki. All district courts have a court mediation service, headed by a judge specialising in family matters and made up of family work specialists.
You can apply for court mediation by submitting a free-form application to the district court or using the form available from the district court registry.
If mediation still fails, one or both of you can take the case to the district court. The case is to be brought before the district court in whose jurisdiction the child has their domicile or permanent place of residence.
You will need legal advice in your situation. You can apply for the expert advice of a legal assistant from a private provider. If you have low income, you can also turn to the Helsinki Legal Aid Office.
Custody and meeting arrangements will be decided based on the best interests of the child. However, the child’s best interests are not the same as the child’s will; the wishes and opinion of the child are only one factor in assessing the child’s best interests.
Learn more about family mediation
Read more about mediation at the district court(Link leads to external service)
Contact Helsinki Legal Aid Office(Link leads to external service)
The term ‘custody’ refers to taking care of a child’s personal matters. The child’s custodians (i.e. guardians) are their parents or the people who have been entrusted with their custody.
The guardian has the right to decide on the care, upbringing, residence and other personal matters of the child. They have the right to receive information from different authorities about matters concerning the child. The guardian also acts as the child’s interest representative and takes care of the child’s financial affairs.
The type of custody does not affect taxation or social security. Furthermore, the type of custody does not affect the child’s right to meet with the parent with whom the child does not live or the parent’s obligation to take care of the child’s maintenance. The custody of the child ends when the child turns 18 or marries before that.
Joint custody
Joint custody means cooperation between the parents and shared decision-making in issues concerning the child. It does not mean that the child lives alternately with both parents.
Joint custody requires you and the other parent to be able to discuss and make decisions together on matters concerning your child.
If you live with your child, you can still take care of and decide on the child’s everyday life and care.
Even with joint custody, situations can arise in which the interests of the child take precedence over the other parent’s decisions. For example, if one parent denies the child a passport, one can still be issued if it is in the best interests of the underage child. In such a case, you can only temporarily travel with your child to another country. The authority granting the passport must in each case establish what is in the child’s best interests.
Single parenthood
As a single parent, you are the sole guardian of your child and you alone make all decisions concerning the child. The authorities (e.g. daycare centre, school, health care and social services) will provide information concerning the child to you only, and they will report to the other parent only with your separate permission.
However, when the child is with the other parent, that parent has the right to decide on the child’s daily care and upbringing.
Your sole custody has no bearing on the child’s right to see the other parent, nor does it affect the parents’ maintenance obligations.
Co-custody
A co-guardian acts as the child’s guardian alongside one or both parents. A court of justice may decide that, in addition to the parents, the child’s custody is entrusted to one or more people who have given their consent. The condition is that co-custody is in the best interests of the child.
Co-custody does not relieve you or the other parent of the responsibility for maintenance, nor is the co-guardian responsible for the child’s maintenance.
If the parents agree, the child welfare supervisor can confirm a co-custody agreement. You can also request co-custody from the district court.
Who gets custody if the parents die?
It is not up to you to decide who gets custody of your child if something happens to you or the other parent.
As the child’s parents, you can document your wish to entrust custody of your child to a specific person, but this wish will not bind the authorities. The court will always ultimately decide the case in accordance with the best interests of the child.
You must decide on your child’s housing arrangements and which parent the child will be registered as living with.
Discuss the situation together and consider your options, especially from the child’s point of view. In your plans, consider how best to arrange your child’s everyday life in practice. Your plans must be based on the best interests of the child.
Alternating residence as an option
Alternating residence means that the child takes turns living with you and the other parent half or nearly half of the time. Alternating residence works best when you are able to work together and be flexible with each other even after separating.
However, the child can only have one official place of residence. Matters such as your child’s local school and school transport are determined by the child’s address.
For example, when granting housing allowance, the child is only taken into account as a member of one parent’s household. Child benefit is paid only to one of the parents, primarily to the parent with whom the child officially lives.
Studies have shown that alternating residence works best if the decision is based on the child’s needs and
- the parents share parenting duties and take care of the child’s everyday life together
- the parents are on good terms and able to cooperate
- the parents have a positive and flexible attitude towards the child staying with the other parent
- the parents communicate about the child’s everyday life at the other home.
From the child’s point of view, it is essential that the child is willing and able to take part in the alternating residence arrangement and that they are old enough to understand their life situation.
It is also important that you live close enough to each other, so that the child’s daycare centre or school and main social contacts can remain unchanged.
Moving to another city
If you decide to move to another city with your child from your family’s shared home and you have joint custody with the other parent, you will need the signature of both guardians or the other guardian’s separate consent for officially changing your address.
If the child already lives with you, you do not need separate consent, even if you have joint custody. However, your relocation may be such a substantial change that the agreement on meetings with the child and, if necessary, your maintenance agreement will need to be renegotiated.
You can also agree that your child will continue to live with the other parent after you move, if this is in the child’s best interests. As far as possible, the child’s living arrangements should take into account the child’s right to meet with and maintain contact with the other parent.
If you disagree on residence matters
If your parenting agreement and the support of a child welfare supervisor are not enough to help you find common ground, you can seek help from the family mediation service to reach a compromise.
If that also fails, the case must be submitted to the district court. But even at this stage, you can still ask the district court for court mediation.
The district court may also decide on enforcement in a situation where the parent living with the child requests that the child be returned to them.
For more information on making agreements in difficult situations, see ‘Agreements on the child’s affairs’.
Learn more about family mediation
Read more about mediation at the district court(Link leads to external service)
Contact Helsinki Legal Aid Office(Link leads to external service)
The child’s right of access guarantees the child the right to be in contact with and see the parent with whom the child does not live. The child will have the right to see their parent regardless of whether the parent has custody of the child or not.
The meeting agreement should take into account the child’s age, school, daycare, hobbies and the distance between the homes of the child’s parents. In addition to the normal weekly routine, hobby transports and holidays should be taken into account in the agreement.
The meeting agreement may also cover means of communication and the transportation of the child to the other parent’s home, as well as the sharing of meeting transport expenses, if necessary.
Even if you or the other parent feel that there is no need to define or document the right of access, doing so is often advisable. Defining the right of access as precisely as possible will help you avoid disagreements in the future. Additionally, Kela requires a meeting agreement if you apply for social assistance for meeting expenses.
Meeting expenses
Discuss and try to agree on how to cover the costs of the child’s meetings. You can agree to share the expenses.
If one of you moves further away, it may be appropriate to renegotiate the meeting agreement and make a new agreement on sharing the meeting expenses.
If the meeting expenses are very high because of a long distance, they can be taken into account in the child maintenance support calculation.
If your agreement on the right of access does not work in practice
The child has the right to keep in touch with the parent with whom they are not living, regardless of how well the parents get along. You must adhere to your agreement.
However, if the other parent refuses to see the child despite the agreement, they cannot be forced to do so. It is not in the child’s best interest to meet with a reluctant, coerced adult.
The parent meeting with the child must understand that this is not a right that they can exercise at will. Instead, it is an obligation that, if neglected continuously and repeatedly, can lead to a reduction of the right of access.
If the right of access is no longer in the best interests of the child, the district court may refuse the right altogether.
In such a situation, you should contact a child welfare officer, or you and the other parent can seek family mediation.
Conversely, if the parent living with the child prevents you from meeting with the child, you must apply to the district court for enforcement of the right of access. Submit a written application to the district court registry.
If the confirmed agreement does not correspond to reality, the previous agreement or decision can be amended by either a new agreement or a court decision.
Learn more about family mediation
Read more about mediation at the district court(Link leads to external service)
Contact Helsinki Legal Aid Office(Link leads to external service)
If the child does not want to meet with the other parent
If the child does not want to meet with their other parent, you and the other parent should try to find out why. If necessary, you can turn to the family counselling clinic or seek family mediation.
The right of access i.e. meeting rights are primarily to benefit the child. The parents have a responsibility to secure a positive and close relationship with both parents. A child over the age of 12 (or a younger but sufficiently developed child) cannot be forced to have meetings if they object to it.
Contact Family counselling clinic
Learn more about family mediation
If the other parent does not return the child after a meeting
The parent living elsewhere can only keep the child with them within the limits agreed upon in the meeting agreement unless the parents agree otherwise.
If the decision or agreement is not adhered to, enforcement can be applied for with the district court. As the child’s resident guardian, you can demand that the child be returned to you by submitting a written application to the district court registry.
If you are worried about your child’s situation, contact the emergency social services. If there is a risk of the child being abducted or taken out of the country, contact the police.
If you are concerned about your child’s safety
Meetings must not threaten the child’s wellbeing or safety. For example, you do not have to give your child to the other parent if they are intoxicated or behaving in a threatening manner.
If meetings are not safe, the terms of the right of access (the meeting agreement) should also be renegotiated. For example, you can agree that the meetings will be held at a designated meeting place. If necessary, we organise supervised and supported meetings and supervised exchanges at the meeting places.
The requirement for carrying out supported or supervised meetings is that they have been agreed upon with an agreement verified by the child welfare officer or through a court decision.
Supervised meeting
A supervised meeting can be arranged in a variety of situations, e.g. if there has been violence or a threat of abduction in the family. A supervisor will be present throughout the meeting, either in the same room or in constant visual and auditory contact.
Supported meeting
A supported meeting can be arranged when parenting requires support or the parents do not trust each other. An external person will be available if necessary. The support person will start and end the meeting and monitor the situation. The purpose of this support is to ensure that the meeting serves the best interests of the child.
Supervised exchange
A supervised exchange can be arranged if there is a restraining order between the parents or if the child’s exchanges repeatedly involve arguments. The purpose of a supervised exchange is to ensure that the child is safely transferred from one parent to another.
The other parent must pay child maintenance support when the child does not live with them permanently and they do not provide for the child in any other way. The maintenance support amount and payment method are confirmed with an agreement or a court decision.
The recipient of the maintenance support spends it on the child’s expenses. As a rule, maintenance support for an underage child is paid to the child’s guardian. If a young person under 18 lives independently, the parents can agree to pay the maintenance support to the young person.
Child maintenance support is confirmed with an agreement by the child welfare supervisor or a district court decision. You can also update your existing child maintenance agreements by using the City’s walk-in service for matters relating to child maintenance.
Book appointment from a child welfare supervisor
Visit our Walk in service for matters relating to child maintenance
Child maintenance support vs allowance
Child maintenance support is a monthly sum of money paid by the non-resident parent to the child to help support the child. It is confirmed with an agreement or a district court decision.
Conversely, child maintenance allowance is a monthly sum of money paid by Kela to the child when their maintenance-obligated parent fails to pay child maintenance support or when the amount of maintenance support is confirmed to be less than the amount of the maintenance allowance.
You are also entitled to child maintenance allowance from Kela if the child does not have another maintenance-obligated parent due to the child having been adopted by one person or the child’s father not having been confirmed.
Read more on child maintenance allowance (Kela)(Link leads to external service)
The amount of child maintenance support
The Child Maintenance Act stipulates that the parents are responsible for the maintenance of their child according to their means.
When assessing the maintenance ability of the parents, their age, occupational capabilities, and possibilities for gainful employment are taken into account. The amount of available assets and other maintenance liabilities are also taken into account. The child’s ability to provide for themself is also considered.
If there is a substantial and long-term change in either parent’s ability to pay maintenance or the children’s maintenance needs, the amount of maintenance support can be changed with a new agreement confirmed by the child welfare supervisor.
Child maintenance support assessment documents
If you are agreeing on child maintenance support with the child welfare supervisor, you will need to bring documents indicating your financial situation. You should also bring these documents if you are liable for maintenance and you consider your payment ability to be poor.
The documents required by the child welfare officer
- a valid child maintenance agreement or the district court’s decision on child maintenance support
- your most recent tax decision
- an up-to-date account of the current year’s earnings and the accumulated earnings from the entire last year
- an account of your business income, if applicable
- a decision and a statement of payment of pension income allowance
- a decision and statement of payment of social benefits
- documents regarding other income
- a certificate of the duration of your studies and a decision on student allowance
- a document indicating your student loan repayment and interest
- documents indicating your cost of living in a permanent apartment
- an account of your commute expenses
- your social assistance decision, if applicable
- documents indicating the child’s hobby expenses and daycare fees
If necessary, the child welfare supervisor can check your salary and benefit details in the Incomes Register.
If the obligated parent fails to pay child maintenance support as agreed
If the child lives with you and you do not receive maintenance support from the other maintenance-obligated parent, submit the confirmed original child maintenance agreement to Kela and apply for child maintenance allowance on the basis of non-payment of maintenance support.
Maintenance support payments can also be collected through enforcement.
The maintenance-obligated parent cannot unilaterally decide not to pay maintenance support.
Read more on child maintenance allowance (Kela)(Link leads to external service)
Discuss the content of your agreements in advance before meeting with the child welfare supervisor. You can use the parenting plan produced by the Finnish Institute for Health and Welfare to help with your discussion.
If necessary, you can also see a family mediator together before going to the child welfare officer. In family mediation, you can get free guidance and advice on resolving disputes over your children’s custody and right of access.
The child welfare supervisor will not determine the content of the agreements, but their role is to help you parents reach an agreement. Once all matters have been agreed upon, the child welfare supervisor will draw up an enforceable document on the agreed upon details. In this case, both of you must be present at the same time.
Only unanimous agreements by the parents can be confirmed by the child welfare supervisor.
Download the Parenting plan by THL (PDF)(Link leads to external service)
Difficult separation
A soured relationship with the other parent or disagreements about the children’s affairs will make it more difficult for you to support your children in the separation process. When getting separated, it is important that you try to talk to the children about the other parent in a respectful way and provide a predictable and safe everyday life, taking into account the circumstances.
Checklist for a difficult separation
- Tell your child that your separation is not their fault and that you both still love them as much as you always have.
- Talk respectfully about the other parent to the child and in the child’s presence.
- Take care of your own mental resources and identify your own difficult feelings about the separation.
- Try to communicate appropriately and clearly with the other parent.
- Try to accept the other parent’s different way of being a parent.
- Children have different reactions to their parents separating. If your child’s reactions are difficult or prolonged, seek help.
Connection with the other parent
In a contentious situation, you may find it difficult to examine your own actions. You may fall into the trap of blaming each other. However, it is in your child’s best interest for you to be able to mediate and find functional everyday solutions together.
Your connection may be complicated by your concerns about the other parent’s parenting and the children’s home conditions with them. If there are any underlying concerns about substance abuse or mental health problems, seek help. The child’s everyday life must be safe and predictable with both parents.
If the other parent breaches previously made agreements, it can also put further strain on the situation. If you are unable to reach an agreement regarding your child’s affairs together or with the child welfare supervisor, you can seek help from family mediation. If the situation cannot be resolved through mediation, you can take your case to the district court for a judge to decide on.
However, do your best not to make the child the centre of your arguments, as this will harm the child’s growth and development. At worst, the child can bear the consequences well into adulthood.
Learn more about Discussion support for parents during a separation
