Positive upbringing supports emotional regulation
Praise your child a lot and pay attention to their good moments. If they receive enough positive attention, they will not need to seek attention through difficult behaviour.
Paying attention to the child’s desired behaviour has many advantages.
- Praising good behaviour teaches the child about right and wrong.
- The child will repeat behaviour that is praised.
- The child will start to believe that they are able to do the right thing and cope with their emotions and difficult situations by themself.
Aim to play with your child on their terms every day, even if only for a moment. Look at the child from their point of view: how does your child think and why they do things the way that they do. By putting yourself in the child’s perspective, you will find it easier to interact with them in a manner that supports their self-esteem and their experience of being understood.
The child will not have a tantrum just to spite you – they have their own reasons for being upset. They are not yet able to control their emotional states alone and need your help for that. Essentially, raising a child is largely about supporting them in learning how to deal with their own emotional states.
Clear boundaries and rules
Your child will feel safer when they know what they are and are not allowed to do. You can be flexible and negotiate, but it is up to you to decide what is negotiable and under what conditions.
You should set a relatively low number of rules that are clear to the child. For example, ‘you must not hit others’ is a good rule, because it clearly and universally states that no one should be hit in any circumstances. By contrast, ‘behave yourself’ is a poor rule because it is very ambiguous.
Make sure that your child can predict on what principles the rules are followed. If you sometimes stick firmly to the rules and at other times let things slide, your child will receive conflicting information about how they should behave.
If your child resists or disobeys, you can guide them in the right direction, for example by literally guiding them with your hands. Do not unnecessarily yell at or scold your child for disobeying. The child needs support in following the rules.
It is natural for you to make exceptions to the rules if you are busy or tired. However, your child will remember the exception the next time and may invoke it or resist the rule more than before. Therefore, consistency in upkeeping the rules is both easier for you and clearer for your child.
Supporting self-reliance
Encourage, support and instruct your child to do things by themself. When the child is practising, praise them for trying, not only for succeeding.
Let the child try things on their own before helping them. Choose activities appropriate for the child’s age and skill level. Give them time to learn the skill: it will probably take the child longer to do a chore than an adult. Be patient, encourage the child and give them lots of positive feedback.
Ways to support the child’s self-reliance
- Getting dressed: Let your child dress themself and help if needed. If necessary, provide clothes that are easy to put on so that the child can experience a sense of success.
- Toilet skills: Independent hand washing and drying are good basic skills that your child can learn as a toddler. The child can also practise pouring the contents of the potty into the toilet themself.
- Meals: Let the child eat on their own. Let them pour their beverage into a glass, butter their bread and put food onto their plate with a spoon.
- Cleaning: Involve your child tidying up by giving them small tasks. From an early age, you can teach your child to put away their own toys and move their outdoor clothes off the floor to the coat rack or closet.
- Other household chores: Involve the child in household chores as early as possible. While doing so, explain them how household chores are your family's shared responsibility. Gradually increase the difficulty and number of tasks as the child grows up.
Instructing the child in challenging situations
When your child does something that you consider bad, first assess how serious it is. For example, if your child hits someone, be firm and instruct them to behave correctly. However, milder misbehaviour may be better corrected by you not reacting or redirecting the child’s attention to something better to do.
For example, the best way to stop your kid from swearing is usually not to give them the disapproving reaction that they expect. You can stop the child’s ‘I wanna’ insistence more effectively if you offer other alternatives instead of just saying no.
Try to instruct the child respectfully and calmly, even if it feels difficult. Your firmness must not be mean. Your child will also hear your message better when their attention is not focused on your anger.
If you give your child a penalty for bad behaviour, it must be relevant to the situation. At the same time, offer them an opportunity to do the right thing and correct the situation.
Remember also that a child who is angry or sad is usually not good at taking in lessons. When the child is in emotional turmoil, help them calm down and stop.
For example, if your 5-year-old throws their food onto the floor, give them a chance to first calm down and then clean up after themself. Do not return to the situation by making sneering remarks – that will not support your child’s development. Instead, you can praise your child when they later eat more calmly and keep their cool.
