Sibling relationships are often the longest and most meaningful social relationships in life. The relationship can be formed between biological siblings, half-siblings or the children of a stepfamily.
A sibling is an easily accessible companion for a wide range of everyday activities. As with friendships, social skills are honed between siblings: sharing, coordination, brainstorming together, doing things together, making comparisons and much more. Everyday life teaches siblings to face and resolve disagreements and the disputes that arise from them. Everyday life also teaches siblings to combine their strengths and skills to get things done together. In sibling relationships, children also learn to pay attention to and care for each other.
The quality of the relationship between siblings is influenced by many factors, such as age differences and the number of siblings, the siblings’ own personalities and their interests. The atmosphere in your family and the equality of family members, regardless of family type, also affect the relationship.
New sibling in the family
The younger the older sibling, the more difficult it usually is for them to anticipate what the arrival of a new baby in the family will really mean in their life.
The child may be waiting for a nice playmate – as is often marketed by the adults during pregnancy. It can be a big disappointment when the child realises that the baby is unable to be a playmate.
Moreover, especially for a first-born child who is used to adult attention, the arrival of a baby is a major change. The younger sibling entering your child’s life now demands time and attention from you and your partner, which your older child will have to share.
You can put yourself in your child’s shoes by imagining how it would feel if your partner announced that a third adult, whom they love as much as they love you, was moving in with you.
Feelings of jealousy can also be fuelled by changed expectations. Often parents do not even realise that they are demanding more from their older child than before. The child may find the situation unfair and confusing.
Tips for supporting an older sibling
- Prepare your child for the future realistically. Tell them about the good things, such as care and cuteness, the teaching of new things, the baby’s smiles and giggles. Tell them also about the bad sides: babies cry, they keep adults up, they need to be held a lot, and they will be unable to play imaginative games for years.
- You can arrange for the baby not to be in an adult’s arms but in their crib when the sibling sees them for the first time. First, you will look at the baby together – then the sibling gets to hold the baby.
- Involve the sibling in caring for the baby.
- Give the sibling enough one-to-one time with the adults of the family.
- Maintain familiar routines. Make sure that not everything in the child’s life changes because of the baby.
Arguments between siblings
Arguments between siblings are useful, as they teach children important skills for expressing emotions and resolving conflicts. They are also a sign of closeness. Siblings take out any bad feelings that they have accumulated during the day on each other, as their relationship is permanent, close and safe.
When a small argument escalates into something major, it indicates that the children do not know what to do. Your help is needed to increase their skills. Your job is not to resolve the argument, but to help the children resolve it themselves.
How to resolve arguments
- Start by halting the situation before anyone gets hurt or things get broken. Speak with a calm but firm voice. This will calm down the situation better than getting agitated or shouting.
- Calm things down a little. Sometimes it is good for everyone to take a couple of deep breaths to settle their emotions before starting to resolve anything.
- Help the children listen to each other. Remind them and yourself that pointing out who started the argument or who is to blame will not help. Give everyone a turn to tell their side of the story and what happened. It is often a good idea to give the first chance to speak to the youngest child or the underdog.
- If necessary, you can calmly repeat each child’s key points after they have spoken to ensure that you have understood them correctly. This will help the other parties to the argument hear and understand the situation.
- Ask the children how you should move forward from here. Let the children suggest what to do to prevent the argument from continuing or starting again. You can suggest alternatives, but the best way to build the children’s skills is to let them choose and find a solution.
Sibling rivalry
Siblings can also have rivalry and jealousy in their relationship, often stemming from children’s need for attention and uncertainty about which child is most important to the adults.
You can support the good development of sibling relations by being fair and balanced towards your children. It is important to sometimes offer the siblings the same thing, together and in equal amounts.
You can also improve the relations between the children by treating them as individuals and giving them undivided attention in turns with you and the other adults in the family.
